I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
