Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
