o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
