I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Randomize
