I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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