I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
