Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
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Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
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