remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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