Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
bring money and cleavage
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
