i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
