he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
