Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
