i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
