he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
