Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
