I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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