There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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