Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Don't make out with my wife yet
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
