Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
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dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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