I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
