I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
