Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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