His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
