The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
