i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
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we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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