today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
