Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
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He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
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The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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