i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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