My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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