from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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