soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
