Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
