Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
