Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
