Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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