i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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