I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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