Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
