I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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