Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
