well you can't waste a boner
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
