Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
