If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
