I want to make a zoo with you.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
