I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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