You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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