He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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