i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
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My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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