do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
