If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
