Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
