I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Randomize
