If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
