how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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