I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
